Monday, July 25, 2005

If you were dying?

I saw a segment the NBC Nightly News last week about a Mother who was dying of breast cancer and what she was doing for her daughter before she passed. I had seen this same thing, on Oprah a few years back, where a mother had done the same thing, made tapes of her reading stories, tapes of her advice about boys and growing up etc. I thought the whole time I was watching this of my cousin Rhon... was she doing anything for Lisa to remember her by as she continued to grow up? Is this something important to do? Is it important that if we were to leave this world early that we leave something for our children? When I saw the lady on Oprah a few years back, I thought to myself that was a very good idea. But is it more for the adult, than for the child. Is it the adult parents way of coping with their mortality and that they won't be around to give their kids the advice they had always wanted to? I sit here and wonder... would a father feel that they needed to do this the way that a mother might feel she needs to?

Well... I'm not sick, far from it I hope... but I have often thought I wanted to keep a log of life lessons and things that made a difference in my life for my kids if something where to unexpectedly happen to me. I have learned many things in my 40 years, and I know that since my children come from my flesh they too will learn many things the hard way. I often pushed the envelope and my Mom's buttons on a regular basis. Why? I don't know because I could. Because I was brought up to be independent. I don't know but I guess I am going to start exploring some of those things in this blog from time to time.

The following is a link to the website of the sick mother, Joelle Pauporte. She has started a foundation for providing books to kids who have a parent suffering from cancer. I thought it was a neat idea and I thought I would share.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

I'm OLD!!!



Is 40 old or young???

It was when I was 15 and my mom turned 40. When my kids turn 15 I will be 53 and 55... that's old.

Or is it?

Will my kids keep me young?

People say that they do.

I know many women in their 60's who have 20+ year old children. They look great. Is it because they have younger children?

It amazes me how with Grace just 22 months ago I could do all the feedings in the night. I didn't need all this sleep. Mac however is a different story. I can get through the 11:00 and the 2:00 but at 6:00 I wake my husband up and just hand him the baby and say I can't do this one. The next thing I know it's an hour and a half later and the baby has been fed. I'm getting old... I can't even stay awake.

I never took naps... EVER... I need a nap know. Does that mean I'm old? Maybe it means I'm young? My kids take naps and they are young. Isn't it true though that young and old people need to take naps? I'm OLD.

I might be OLD but I am very lucky. I have two VERY healthy children. I have lost all of my baby weight and then some... (subject of another blog soon). I had to wait 40 years to have my kids evidentally so that I could be a good Mom. A Mom who worries about EVERYTHING, but I think I'm a good Mom. I think my kids will keep me young no matter how old I am!!! I hope that they get to do what they want to do with their lives and I hope that I am young enough to enjoy their life with them.

Is 40 OLD?

I hope not...

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Super Nanny take me away...



I'm a former teacher, my husband is a teacher and yet our 22 month old baffles us everyday with the questions about what should we do with her? I watched Super Nanny before the baby came a long, plus I don't think she is on tv for the summer, and I'm trying to remember what I saw on that show and different things that I have read... I need to structure my daughter's day.

She is so smart that she scares me. She's not really big on talking but she could do it more if she chose to. She can count to four, loves to play (bang) at the piano, can tell you about every part of the body, many more things that I don't need to brag about but one thing I do know is that I need to start structuring her day. She is just all over the place throughout the day. That has really come about since ther baby has gotten here. Mostly because I am breastfeeding the baby and that takes time away from her. I have, however, told my husband that we have to get them both on schedule because it will be better for all of us. I have taken a nap away from Grace so I have to find things for her to do in the afternoon especially. Tomorrow I'm off to the teacher store to find specific activities for her. Also I want to find these black and white flashcards for the baby so while Grace is doing a lesson we can do something with Mac too. I was so good at having Grace on a schedule when she was the only one but I have lost my mind somewhat now that there are two.

I also need to get them scheduled or I can see my mother taking control when she starts watching them full time again when I go back to work. My mother has this unique way of telling me that I don't do things right but she does. I think this is the way with all mother and daughters but I really do not want to deal with it. I want to have my schedule in place so that I can tell her what I want done with my kids, not her telling me what I should be doing. I get a little frustrated that my mom will just put on a video while she does a crossword puzzle, but I guess that is the subject of another blog. Anyway, I digress...

I realized yesterday that I have a vast world of resources out there via the internet. I'm going to do some surfing of the web and find things for the girl and her family to do together. I'm going to make her have one nap a day. I'm going to get her schedule together so that things will flow smoother with her and Mac. I might have to go buy the Super Nanny book so that I can put everything into perspective. I think that I am obsessing about this because I really don't want one of those kids that people look down their noses at, and say behind your back... "that child is out of control." I don't want that at ALL!!!

So I guess I have to remember this is all still new to us, the two kids, the new brother, mom's time being divided, etc. But, I also have to start now... So anyone out there with suggestions of how to do this thing they call "Mother of 2" I will be forever in your debt.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Birth and the Human Udder

My life right now is all about feeding my child. I can’t believe how time consuming it is to breastfeed a child. I’m no stranger to breastfeeding, I did it with my firstborn, but I forgot how much time it takes. I feel like a human udder. Two big udders that every three hours gets smaller and then swell to the size of small watermelons, it is painful and backbreaking, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

In my past life when all my friends were having babies by means of natural childbirth and breastfeeding, I thought they were all nuts. I thought breastfeeding was gross, why would someone want to do that. I also thought that if you were going to have a child why not do it the easy way… just let them cut you open and get it out asap.

Boy have I changed in 15 years. I did the whole natural thing… I did need the drugs but I didn’t have to have anyone cut me open. In fact I find it hard to believe that someone would actually want to have a C-section unless it was only for the safety of the child. I have to tell you it does sort of gross me out the whole birthing process. I know that it is suppose to be the most beautiful natural thing, but I think it is the grossest natural thing. Grace was here in five simple pushes while I was watching “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” really nothing gross about her, but Mac… push one and his head was out and he started to cry. That absolutely grossed me out. I just wanted to scream, “GROSS ME OUT… GET HIM OUT PLEASE!!!” I’m glad that babies get here and become part of our families, but what happened to babies being delivered by storks or coming to us via the cabbage patch?

Not only did I do ok with the birthing thing… I’m also breastfeeding. I hate it. I hate every moment of it. People say that it is this wonderful bonding time with your child. I don’t know, but I just don’t feel that. I’m simply doing it because I have read in more that one article about the benefits to your child the first 6 months of their life if you breastfeed. I have to say that Grace has been a very healthy child and I swear it is do to breastfeeding. I know so many people who have had babies around the same time as we had our Grace, and well they have struggled with ear infections, allergies, sinus infections, etc, we have had none of that in 22 months. She has had her cold here and there but nothing chronic and nothing that has lasted more than a week. I will let you know if I have the same luck with Mac. I have had to watch what I eat with Mac. He doesn’t like certain foods. Hopefully that will go away as he gets bigger but for now I can watch my diet.

So now that I have probably shared WAY more with you than you have ever wanted to read about the birth and breastfeeding of my children… I would just like to encourage anyone who might be reading this and having child soon or someday to encourage you to breastfeed your child. It is so healthy for them. Don’t let someone tell you that you might not be able to do it, or that it is too hard. It is hard, it is time consuming, it is a royal pain in the ass (or should I say boobs), but it is the best thing you could ever do for your child. Think of it this way, if you pump and can get enough milk stored you won’t have to do it a full six months… I’m hoping that I can be done at least 2 weeks early!!! My gift to myself for not having any control over my body for 15 months is a 4 day trip to Vegas over Christmas. I hope someone will watch my children!!!

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Feeling Guilty

I was so worried for the last month of how Grace would react to the new addition to our family. I don't think that she is doing too bad but I think there are things that I have done wrong with her up to this point that I am going to pay for until I break the bad habits I have created. (I can't say that I have created all the problems because I have wanted things to change but my mother baby sits for me and she doesn't always listen to what I say... I have a problem with that but that is for another blog). I also worry that some of these bad habits will be extremely hard to break because she will see that her new brother gets to do things that she use to ... why does she have to change? You know we don't want our children to hurt. When she cries it breaks my heart. I cry. When she sees me cry she cries... it's truly a vicious cycle. The only thing that I can say is that I have been really good about getting my kids on schedules and Grace has slept through the night since 6 weeks and Mac is already sleeping 5 hours at a time after his 10 and 3 feeding. I guess I need to focus my energy in breaking her habits as I do and have in creating her schedule. She is soooo scheduled sometimes it too is a fault but we are doing ok.

Grace's bad habits...

Number 1 - I still let her have the bottle. She's 21 months old and she still has the bottle. That is not good. The reason why it has gone on this long is that when she was littler she was so skinny and she hated the sippy cup so she wouldn't drink from anything than the bottle. We have found a sippy cup that she will drink from so now my goal is to get her to drink her milk from that. At 2 years... the bottle is OVER. Like it or not... tears or not... she is not going to have it any more.

Number 2 - She won't sit on the potty any more.
She use to sit there all the time. She was really good at it. I think that we sat her there too early and would keep her there too long and so now she just doesn't want to sit there. I'm trying to get her to sit there if even for 10 seconds... it's better than nothing. She is a really big (tall) girl so it is getting hard to change her on our changing table. She is too long.

Number 3 - She hates to sit in her seat at the table. This habit I will not take credit for. My mother created this problem. While home on maternity leave I am working on getting her back to the way she use to be.

You know as I sit and write these things I wonder... "Am I sweating the small stuff?" Am I worrying way too much about nothing? After all Grace won't drink from a bottle all her life, nor will she wear diapers her whole life, and surely she will at some point realize that she has to sit at the table to eat if she wants to fit in to societal norms. So it might be small stuff and I will try to remember that BUT doesn't it come in the Mom's Manual that you get to sweat the small stuff????

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Where there is Life there is Death...

About a month ago we learned that my cousin Rhonda's battle cancer was beginning to take over her body. She had been admitted to the hospital and just hearing that I knew that it was the beginning of the end. Rhonda treated her cancer holistically. Doctors were amazed at how she was able to fight this rare form of cancer with natural foods, no meat, lots of greens, including something called green drink... it is not necessarily the best drink I have ever had but it is soooo good for you. Anyway, I so wanted to get back to Dixon to visit her but when I asked the doctor if I could make the trip he told me that he did not want me to take the chance. I had a life growing in me... she had death growing in her. I worried the last few weeks that Rhon would die the same day that my baby boy was born. When would the two come to fruition???

On June 30, between 11:30pm and midnight, Rhonda lost her battle to this horrible cancer. (I found out today... July 11 ... that I did not have the time and date correct ... Rhonda did die on July 1)
On July 1, 2:47am, Donald MacIntyre was born.

Rhonda fought for 3 years to beat this cancer. Doctors gave her 6 months to live when first diagnosed. She wanted to live everyday to the fullest. She never complained and she only worried about others. She has three beautiful children and a wonderful husband who were there for her. Plus she had all of our family, trying to give them all the support that she needed. Although at the end there was nothing we could really do except pray that she no longer suffer.

I found out at the funeral that Rhonda's middle name was Lee and I'm somewhat sad that I found this out too late. I actually might have let my Don name the baby Donald Lee the third had I known this. It would have been in my mind my little way of honoring her and my husband all in the same. I'm not disappoint with the Mac Daddy's name it's just that I could have had a family name... it's ok thought.

I believe that Mac now has his own gardian angel. His angel is a fighter and she will help to watch over my baby boy. One life in our family replacing that of another. It says in the Bible "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." I believe that although Rhon has been taken from us, she is much happier and no longer suffereing where she is now, and I believe that Mac will live up to the expectations of his family and his gardian angel and he will be blessed for life.

And the name is...

Donald MacIntyre. About two hours into labor when I was about ready to kill anyone who said anything to me, I told my husband that I would be naming this child and he had NO say!!! After the drugs kicked in and the pain. for the most part, went away I still had my heart set on Patrick MacIntyre. The problem was I could see this look on Don's face, this desire to have his son named after him but not wanting to seem like he wouldn't compromise. We had a name conversation right before we fell asleep, (5:00am) when we woke up, I said to him that we could name the baby Donald MacIntyre. I know that it made Don happy, I know that it was something he really wanted. I must say Mac fits the little guy. He is a bruiser. He came so fast that he sort of had what looked like a broken nose and bruises under his eyes like a football player.



So anyway let the nicknames begin... Big Mac, Little Mac, Mac Daddy, Little Mac Daddy, Macky... my biggest fear...Mac Donald. (Won't bother me however if some day he gets a MacDonald's endorsement deal)... It will be ok I suppose, he's bound to be a big boy and he will be able to defend himself no matter what people call him. For now he's my Baby Mac and I will gladly call him Mac the rest of my life.

The Last days of an Only Child

It has been very hard the last few days not being able to get on the floor, take a walk, help with the bath, etc. with my little one. Every day I wake up and think, "Is this going to be the last day that Grace is an only child?" It saddens me a lot because I have really enjoyed having her to myself (and her father) and giving her our full attention. I can give her everything she needs and I worry, as the second one gets very close to being here that I will forget to give her that same amount of attention. Being an only child I know that if my Mom was gone for a few days and came back with another little body... I don't think that I would have been very happy about it.

As I think about this I know that this issue is truly about me and not Grace. She gets up on my lap at night and puts her hands on my belly and pats it like she is talking to the baby. He kicks her generally from inside. It is like they are talking to each other. Maybe they already are? Maybe I don't need to worry... after all I'm giving her someone who she will know the longest in her life. Hopefully they will be thick as thieves, trust each other, protect each other... and even sometimes lie for each other. Hopefully, they both know how much we are blessed for them to have come into our lives. We are truly blessed.